Reflections on the struggles of a leader
I became a leader in less than 2 years and honestly I do not like it. My goal with my career was never to become a leader but to become a specialist in my field. However, since I embraced my new role in leadership position I had lots of setbacks and reflections. Constant doubts If I want stay or to leave this leadership role. There is still space for development but I wanted to reflect on my struggles, my beliefs and how I am coming across leadership.
Stop trying to fit in the stereotype of famous and successful leaders
We created this concept that to be a leader we need to teach, to coach and to help others to flourish. I did not get to this stage yet but I know it will come into a point where I will not have much more to teach to that person. This is what is called “Impostor Syndrome”. Even before learning this term I already had this concern in mind.
I have been looking for some answers and came across a podcast where Julie Zhuo said:
“A leader is someone that will facilitate someone’s capability to become a better specialist”.
Leadership is a quality or a trait and all of us at some point in our lives will embrace this quality. Leadership is getting results from a group of people. In her book “The Making of a Manager”; Julie talks about managers role. And she said being a manager is also to ensure that work is done, dealing with problems, discussing and resolving it. I also had this pre-concept that I kept reading everywhere about being a leader not a boss. Honestly, I felt guilty because I could see myself being a manager, a boss and a leader on the same day. Until I heard Julia said on some occasions you can be the manager and in other moments we embrace the leader to help the person to go to the next level.
Time to show vulnerabilities
On several occasions I felt annoyed with my team because I set deadlines for work and there was no delivery. And then you need to keep having on-going conversations and still no results. At this moment , I came to realise that yes I failed to engage, motivate and my words are not effective.
On another occasion I was confronted by a member of the team and I did not have the answer, I was not prepared and I did not see that argument coming on my way. Instantly, in my perfect leadership vision, I realised I failed. That thought haunted me for days, until I realised that I do have vulnerabilities and they will show up to my team from time to time and this is Ok because we are all humans.
Relationship
Until the day I was talking with a friend which works as coach. Her main practice field is exactly to help people to become better leaders or overcome leadership obstacles. She mentioned something that I have not forgotten. She showed me that leadership is all about relationships. You develop relationship with your team and as a result of the relationship the work is complete, issues are resolved and problems are brainstormed in the group. I honestly had not thought of leadership from that perspective and I am now trying to nurture more of these relationships to access the results.
The possible leader
Since reflecting on all the above points, I can also confirm that part of me is in denial of my leadership role. I have said many many times not feeling comfortable in my skin as leader. But all of this is because the “perfect leader” I created in my mind based on all the concepts that I have read from successful and famous leaders. In addition, I also have a strong belief that I do not want to become like the poor managers that I experienced in my career. I wanted to be better than those experiences.
Interestingly in a one-to-one with my current manager she asked me: What type of leader do you want to be? That question got in my mind for days and months. And from there I created this concept for myself of the possible leader. Is the leader that is possible to me. Is not the top famous leader and is not the opposite of the poor leader I came across; but is the leader that I can be with my mistakes, vulnerabilities, questions and hopefully some certainty.
